People often say that time will heal everything...even a broken heart. As much as I have moved on and am definitely in a much happier place now...it doesn't really erase the hurt you once felt. The feeling of annoyance, bleurgh, unsatisfied, the unanswered questions etc..its all there as memories. 

I know it is human nature to hate being rejected, cheated and deceived, being the second best and the person at the losing end. This is however the reality of life. 

Being in love is a great feeling...but there is no guarantee that it will last. There is no guarantee that the strong feeling inside you today will still be present in ten years time. There is no guarantee that you will grow happily and age gracefully together. 

The truth is...most of the time, things happened and it doesn't even make sense. And I guess that is the beauty of God. All has been designed to happened the way it is suppose to happen, and at times its better to lay things to rest as knowing the truth might be suicidal even from the strongest mind.

As an individual, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. This realization and acceptance however, does not really make it any easier (on the heart) to accept certain things when it actually happened.

Growing up, you have dreams and plans. Those sweet happy endings movies always make you believe that you will achieve your dreams no matter what. Unfortunately, it is not the case in real life. Sometimes it works out and other times it doesn’t. Sometimes something great will happen and immediately you will see the ‘reason’ for the failure of your other dreams, and at other times you will be tested by a series of unfortunate events before you can actually see the ‘reason’. Whatever it is we are facing, it is a great blessing if we do remember Allah; but what if we don’t? Nauzubillah.

I have been feeling uneasy for at least a week now. And this is accompanied by the difficulty to sleep…seriously it was annoying. And now I think I know why. It might not be it...but for now, I think it is.

Alhamdulillah Allah works in mysterious ways and it is up to us to really read on the little signs he is giving us in order to prepare us for something bigger. And for that, I thanked Allah for giving me the little signs that makes me much more prepared…not only on one occasion, but on numerous occasions within these few years. I may not always ‘fit’ the puzzle right away…but when it happened, the ‘puzzle’ looks picture clear.

…hopefully I will be able to sleep well tonight. Amin!!!

Random

I came across this while I was browsing through the updates on my facebook and thought I'd share it here since I can easily browse through my blog once I am at 'this stage' of my life in the future.

Lets all take note of this...insyaallah, our keturunan will be lebih penyayang and less selfish. Let them have enough love to share with others instead of expressing our feelings full of violence to get attention. amin.

...

1. Setiap malam apabila anak tidur hendaklah kita wiridkan Ya Latif ke umbun-umbun kepalanya sebanyak yang mungkin atau memadai 100 kali.

2. Membaca surah Al Fatehah 1 kali, Alam Nasyrah 1 kali

3. Bercakap-cakaplah dengan anak ketika dia sedang tidur dengan menyeru kepada nama penuhnya berbinkan atau berbintikan kepada kita sebagai ibu kandung mereka. Percakapan itu hendaklah berupa nasihat, pujian dan berceritalah tentang perasaan kasih sayang kerana sesungguhnya percakapan kita kepada anak yang sedang tidur itu sangatlah bekesan kepada jiwa dan rohnya.

4. Apabila kita sedang berbual-bual dengan anak sewaktu dia sedang tidur kita akan lihat matanya bergerak-gerak, walaupun dia sedang tidur.

5. Ayah dan ibu hendaklah selalu menyapu air lebihan wuduk yang ada pada kita, misalnya air yang masih basah di tangan ke muka dan umbun-umbun anak.

Wassalam

2012

Welcome to 2012. It has been a while since I last visited this blog, let alone write something here.

2011 is no doubt a very dramatic year for many of us...well, atleast for me anyways :)

It has been a very testing year on both the personal and work front. It was all about expressing feelings and thoughts in the right manner, right time, voice tone n body language; accepting and embracing differences between individuals whom we r related with and those we choose to be close with and in a relationship with. Besides that, most of the time, it was more about relearning about myself...having numerous inner self-battle, dealing with consequences of my past actions, having to accept that nothing remains constant..nothing remains in its status quo forever...thus sometimes its good to get out of the comfort zone and test the waters outside our norm horizon.

There are quite a few questions or remarks made during conversations last year that hit the 'brain cells' to think, rethink, reassess and relook and perhaps take action:-

1) what are you really passionate about in life?
2) Dont you pray?
3) I hope you are over him...
4) my senior said 'we are seen as excess baggage'....(but unfortunately i see us more as a dumping ground)
5) what else are u looking for in life?

These are only some out of the load.

One of the remarks that bothered me so much was something along this line 'siok jua life mu ani ah...you had it easy'... That made me really think...n I find it really rude to say that...I was very offended though at that time I chose to remain calm and undisturbed as always. But seriously you have no idea how hard life was for me when I was younger..not even the slightest idea of half of the things i have to go through. You dont know the sort of trouble I was pulled into just bcause I'm 'parent-less'. You have no idea the kind of situation I had to deal with and the kind of things I have to hear n accept n still act cool about it. Unless u have been in my shoes, then no...I don't appreciate u judging my life like u know me no matter how close we r. No one have the right to stay that to another indivdual because u can never fully understand another person.

Anyhow, I thank God that life has been kind to me as I grow older. I can only thank God and wish his gracious rizq will continue in every ways. And I hope i wouldn't lost myself n my faith along the way.

With that, I can only pray n hope that life will continue to treat us all well. But when it doesn't, I hope we would remember that everything has been plan for us, and there's always a blessing in disguise. Amin amin.

Xxxxxx

Missed dearly

This day last year was a very emotional day for our family. It’s the day my grandma passed away. Though she is no longer with us here, she is still deeply missed and at times it feels like she is still around.

There are so many things to share when it comes to her. When I was younger, she was the one who used to wake me up every morning to go and buy ‘kuih’ or ‘pulut panggang’ for breakfast. She was the one who made the greatest soup, the greatest home-made food and made sure I am awake on time to get ready and have enough time to walk to school. She has so much love to shower and share; and her level of patience and endurance is undoubtedly amazing. I am sure the whole extended family agrees.

Mudahan sentiasa dirahmati and placed among those yang beriman and yang berada di jalan Allah.

Al-Fatihah..with loads of love.

Our flights got delayed...so here we are stuck at KLIA. Foot spa is too expensive...the book store is getting uninteresting..and our feet is killing us. Thank god for the movie lounge section..we get to rest, watch movie and enjoy free wireless for a limited time =)


My first trip to Jakarta wasnt too bad. The hotel wasnt too bad though parts of it needs to be renovate...from my point of view...=p This time, I manage to make time for a full body massage and body scrub at the hotel...yay =)


Anywy, I have been looking forward for my mandatory leave next week...rupanya I havent took time off work for at least one year..hmm..unfortunately, despite being approved, I will have to go to work and reschedule internally my hols after July. hmm. Meaning I wont be able to go overseas tho I want to cause Im suppose to be at work..except during weekends..hmm..good enough lah I guess. hmm. And people say, you shouldnt let work overrule your life...ceh..=p


For the past few days, I have been doing a lot of thinking...about random stuffs...work related and not...the purpose of life, the purpose of work and purpose of everything.


At times we get too engrossed with work and all the other things in life that we neglect all the other things that matters more to us. Our vision gets clouded by the need to fulfill the things demanded out of us..or expected out of us..the so called "demands of life"...

In fulfilling the expectations, we often we forget...to pause and think...

Hence, I have pause to think...to think about all the possibilities of life...to think about all the alternatives of life...how good and / or bad life could have been...

hmm...just something to think about... to be continued...maybe...

xxx

Its already Wednesday and for some reason, I have been *lazy* this week.


Ive been trying to finish up my essay...however, I could not really concentrate - I feel sleepy all the time - and when others talk to me, I feel that I cant even be bothered to listen to them but since it is important, I have to concentrate with my eyes looking at them and trying to comprehend what they are trying to say. hmm.


Sometime I amaze myself - I can really look like I am listening and concentrating when in fact, in my head, I am thinking - what is he/she talking about? or most times, I am thinking, why cant I comprehend this? Why am I like this?


I really want to finish all my essays - however, my body and mind is not aligned with what my head is telling me. Maybe I need a detox or better a longgg holiday.


Sometimes I wish I am born rich with endless money to sustain myself so that I can actually go on a long holiday or take time off work or be unemployed for a longer period. However, I also appreciate all the *lil tests* I have to go through that makes me the stronger me today and am also very bersyukur with all the blessings that Allah has given me and my family. I hope the blessings will continue and bring all of us at the right path. amin.


xxx

I am no angel but I do try my best not to hurt or bruise others’ feelings. There are times when I can’t be bothered with it simply because that person does not reciprocate in the way you have always treated them; or you are just simply annoyed and tired of all the drama they create and with how you are often taken for granted.

At times, I will tell them off with my honest opinion, however, most times, I try to ‘jaga hati orang’ nya orang Brunei, sometimes at my own expense. It doesn’t mean that I am dishonest to myself/others or two-faced, but I believe there is always a better way of saying things, communicating your ideas, perspectives and represent yourself no matter how seriously annoyed or upset you are. And it also doesn’t mean that you are a sweet talker; it just reflects the kind of person you are especially as what and how you say things / communicate with others will always leave an impact on others.

xxx

Random update

1) A fresh look for my blog - I am wondering how some blogs look so nice and refreshing padahal the template isnt there.

2) Today is my uncle's 60th birthday - when he saw me this morning - the first thing he asked me - 'Selina tau brapa umur uncle hari ani?' When I said its 60...he smiled. I think its cute. He has been waiting for his birthday since last month..he said it feels like a longggg time =)

3) I kept on bumping into my 'first love' over the past two weeks - havent seen him for ages - today was the closest encounter - Brunei is sooooo small. Hmph. Wonder what I saw in him dulu? Teenage hormones. lol.

4) Thinking of a strategy to be a pampered housewives in 10 years time - perhaps opening a business / home office of some sort would be good. lol.

5) Wonder if I can actually lose 30 kg by December...

6) Had a dream last night - I was on a holiday di KL with the current bf - and I was buying all this new nice clothes - I even bumped into my previous bf parents all the way in KL - lol - dreams have funny and weird ways of communicating with us!!

xxx

A very short entry...

You would think that after spending practically all your life together, you would understand ‘he/she/them’ better and vice versa. Obviously that is not always the case.

Sometimes it is just so frustrating when you deal with people/individuals who think they are the best and always right…in addition to thinking that they are the most reliable, dependable, mature and responsible human being. Most people, I believe, who claims to be like this, are in fact, quite the opposite.

xxx

A quick update…

 Its been ages since the last time I blogged, but its never too late to say Happy New Year right =) Many things had happened though its only 2 months into 2011. Some are good, some are bad and some are better left unspoken. I have started off the year thinking about a lot of things…from family, friends, work, health, finance, and all that.

And though it is a ritual for people to prepare a list of wish list or resolution every year, I did not made any for this year. Instead, I would like to work on the things I wished for since 2008…A few of the things that I’ve wished for since 2008….eg…


1) Get a job – that is done
2) Lose 10 kg – that is still in a working progress…in fact, this year, I need to lose 30 kgs. Lol.
3) To fit into my lovely old clothes – that is not happening yet.
4) Buy a house by 2010 – that is out of my list at the moment as I am financially unstable. Lol. However, I’ve applied for government housing back in 2009. Should hear something about it by this year.
5) To improve my sembahyang – still working on it.
6) To start mengaji – possibly soon
7) To reprioritize and put my needs first – still working on it
8) To start my savings for real…
9) …

Some of the unexpected / unplanned things happened since 2008 –


1) Found new love =)
2) Slowly letting go of old love... (finally..lol)
3) my laptop died on me...so had to buy a new laptop
4) the same goes to my car...lol.
4) Un-friend a childhood friend – good riddance I must say
5) I have anger issues lol
6) reconfirmed to myself that I hate silly confrontations
7) …

I think that's all for today.

xxx

Here I am in KL...

resting on the bed...watching tv and typing away =)

I  have finished my paper...it needs editing and all that...

but apparently, I wont be any presentation cause there s no slot for NBD.

Lol.

I was looking forward to do it but I was not prepared.

Hence this situation works for me =)

Alhamdulillah...

anywy, the hotel is not too bad. the room is simple and nice...and i love the bathroom.

when i googled, i thought the hotel looks far from the shops...but rupanya, its next to the Pavilion.

lol...thats greatv =)

xxx

Finally....

time to breathe and concentrate on my own paper.

Submitting my paper on Saturday morning for 'editing and refining'

Apparently I am flying on Monday.

Presentation will be on Wednesday.

Will be back on Friday.

Wish me luck as my public speaking skills is quite crappy.

xxx

Typed on the 6 October

Work can get a bit too much to handle sometimes. Plans get messed up and extra work gets to be dumped at the officers. Extra work is fine but unnecessary work and fuss over nothing is not welcomed.

Today has been an unproductive day for me in terms of translating my thoughts on paper and finishing up my essay. I’m simply not inspired to do work…I know it can be seen as unprofessional but that’s the reality of life…..that’s how I feel.


I have an important paper to finish up however, to accommodate ‘the others’, I have to postpone my paper and work on papers for ‘the others’. Sometimes I find it annoying when ‘the others’ think that there is not already enough work being done currently….whereas in reality, we (the two of us) are doing work like theres 10 of us here.


That said; I do know others whose schedule is more hectic than mine. I should not really complain but, I find it annoying and it really gets to me sometimes. They failed to realize that my colleague and I are exhausted and are not focus due to all this random workload being dumped on our table. I think I have lost interest in doing my work, though I do get the work done.


Yes, it is true that work puts money in the pocket….food on the table…a roof on top of our head…a comfy car to get us to our destination and all that. But, at the end of the day, many fail to see that WORK IS NOT EVERYTHING. There are more important things to do in life than WORK.


All the drama and chaos are unnecessary especially when most of the extra work and long hours put in are the result of last minute decisions taken up by ‘the others’.

That said; there is nothing much I can do for now. I can only hope that they will soon have a proper time and decision management to give us ample time to breathe and do work at the same time.

Adios
xxx

Besides the 'lepaking session' on the first day of eid at my grandma and cousins, its been quite a while since the last time I was truly excited for Eid. I dont remember how and why the excitement has deteriorate...but its probably cause I am older now..or probably because I presume some or most of the things done pre-eid are unnecessary and such a wastage or .... lol.


Whatever the reason is...I felt a bit of excitement or *jealousy* last week while I was in KB beraya at one particular home.


As a kid, I remember my dad would always bring me there every now and then. His friend has 5 kids and we would ber-karaoke, liat tv etc while my dad and his friend chat.


Now his friend's kids are all grown up and married. So when we went there the other night to beraya, his house was filled with fun..laughter...as most of them..both children and grandkids.... duduk dapan tv watching one of the horror movie on Astro.


To see them talk and laugh...being carefree and all that...made me felt something...m not sure what it was.


The family bond is just amazing...Everyone wasnt bickering over one another and just sitting down and all that....i felt a *feeling*. The calmness and the "meriah-ness" I felt saddens me especially when I felt it in another person's home. hmm. Maybe that is the feeling of Eid. I wonder...

There are a number of things that took place in the past few years..especially in the past two years...and sometimes I can't help but wonder, is blood really thicker than water? Seriously...it is??? Sometimes I think its the other way round....

With that thought...I'll stop here.

Goodnight

xxx

I want to be brilliant =p

For the past two weeks, I have been alone in my office as my senior is on leave.

There are times when I am so energize to do work and I will finish off all the newspaper readings that I have to do and mark relevant ones for the librarian to cut, scan and store...and continue it with my typing, reading and doing research.

There are also times when I am just so not into my work and I will feel extremely sleepy. This is when I will be sitting, looking down at my paper or holding up a pen trying to keep buzy but my eyes are just too heavy...or I have to walk around to give random visit to the other units...just to say hi and wake myself up.

Recently, I have been doing alot of reading. And as I was reading all this excellent analytical articles written by renowned researchers / lecturers / journalist...it hit me...I want to be able to write brilliantly. I want to be like them..if not better..=)

One of my monthly core task is to write two papers...one is facts only and another one is an issue based paper which requires me to be analytical. I want to do both brilliantly. How do I do that? lol.

I know that my writing skills or analytical skills have progressed...judging from my boss's feedback on my work..yay...=) however, I dont really think I am doing that well. There are still a couple of things...(or alot actually) that needs to be look at and improve.

One of it is my talking skills. I tend to work better on paper than explaining things verbally. And sometimes I prefer it that way. Introvert tah banar. lol. Next is my presentation skills. This is one of my greatest fear that I have not overcome. Anyway, both are related to public speaking.  lol.

Being in Uni was different, I get to talk and practice infront of the same group of ppl, but in the working life, its just scary cause you dont get the same audience all the time and ppl expect you to be good. ppl expect you to know the things you do at the back of ur palm...which is not always the case....
I see things more as an ongoing learning process. No matter how much I read and know about things, there will always be someone who is more well-read than I am. I just wish ppl realise that.

Anyway, my point is...I want to be brilliant at what I'm doing. I want to write excellent analytical articles that is good enough to be publish in newspapers, journal, magazines...etc. I want to have my own book published...with my name on it. I want to be give excellent book reviews, I want ppl to fight to get the first or the last copy of my book...etc. wouldn't that be brilliant? lol.

I will try to work myself towards my aim starting next week...insyallah...=)

Its already 2am..and I have to wake up at 4.30 tomorrow.

Goodnight.

And may I have a brilliant Sunday tomorrow =)

xxx

At times I feel like there is just not enough time for me…to do what I plan to do, to achieve what I want to achieve and to make changes to the things that is close to me. Hmm. I feel like time is catching up on me…and sometimes I feel like it’s literally catching up.

I will often find myself trying to juggle a couple of things at a time. Some are more productive than others. At the same time, i'll be thinking of how and what else could I do to make all easier, etc and by the end of the day, I’m just so exhausted.

I wish I'm given more time...there is just so much to do. Amin!!

xxx

I am currently attending a training course with the Scholarship Students who are enjoying their summer holidays. I am not that crazy about the course, but yea, I am open to attend it when the superior think that my colleagues and I should be able to learn and gain something new from it.


I’ve learned that managing projects requires more of careful planning and thinking critically. The more I listen to the facilitator, the more I feel that if we sit and think realistically and logically, all of us can be excellent project managers or project leaders.  LOGIC AND CAREFUL PLANNING. AND OFCOURSE $$$$$ =)

Anyway, today I am surprised by the remark made by the facilitator about me. There I was sitting and listening to her trying not to fall asleep and then she asked me whether I am the only officer who was never a ****** scholarship student (bearing in mind my other two colleagues – not ****** scholarship students as well – were not present today)…so I said yes, cause I am really never this certain Ministry’s scholarship student…I received my scholarship from MOE.

Anyhow, the more surprising remark is her next sentence. She said something along the line…to the whole class…‘Do you guys ever wonder why Selina is comfortable sitting on the side instead of the middle of the class’? I may be wrong but it is because she feels she is less intelligent bla bla bla by the others who are all scholars. I was like WHAT?! I was completely blur and didn’t know what to say.

I mean just because I like to observe more than talking, just because I am not as expressive and outspoken as the ‘excited enthusiastic young scholars who talks over each other’, it doesn’t make me less intelligent. I am proud and happy of my achievements and my hard work throughout my academic life. She has no right to judge me like that.

Initially I didn’t want to confront her about it however, by the end of the day I decided that I should. Its about me..my reputation...and I don’t really want her to think of me feeling inferior or anything like that next the scholars. I was like thinking...'sekadar jua...just because they are awarded ******,...'. So at the end of the day, I told her the reason why I am sitting where Im sitting!!! Plus I was the first few to enter the room masa the first day, of course I have lots of options to choose from. She apologized. I told her that I only want to clarify myself because I don’t want her to have such impression of me. Simply cause it wasn't the truth. 



Anyway, this is random but back in Uni as well as during MD, I enjoyed learning about Sociology. It was something new and I was totally into it..learning and understanding theories and reasonings abt certain aspects about family, criminals, love, etc. Sociology also made me more aware of why people think they way they think...the reasoning behind stereotyping and labelling people etc. And most importantly, it taught me not to be submissive and not to accept other people’s judgment blindly. Or else it will be a self fulfilling prophecy eventually, if we are not strong enough to prove otherwise.

Though I have to admit that there are times when I can’t be bothered with what other people think about me…cause in the end, it’s only me who really know myself…only me. But in this case, I am being judge based on me not being one of ‘them’…that isn’t fair right. The remark surprises me especially when it comes from a professional who supposedly had 20ish years of experience in her area. So I had to explain.


Hmm…funny eh…thought I’d share this with whoever is reading this.

xxx

I sat quietly at a corner of a room

Looking around

People pass by

Eyes met 

And yet nothing is spoken

At times you wonder

Where will this bring you?